How to Talk to Someone about their Skin
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Fairface Podcast transcript / show notes
INTRO
Hello! Welcome back to another episode of the Fairface Podcast! I'm so happy to have the chance to talk with you today and I really appreciate you being here.
I have a question for you:
Do you know someone who is struggling with their skin?
Maybe a friend?
Maybe one of your children?
or someone else in your family?
It can be heartbreaking to see someone suffering through skin challenges and not quite know how to help.
- What is the right thing to say?
- How can you be supportive without saying something that offends them or seems insensitive?
Today's topic has been on my mind a lot the last several months, as I receive a lot of emails over the years from family members who are trying to help someone they care about with their skin challenges.
I've heard from many people with loved ones experiencing acne, rosacea, eczema, psoriasis, and other sensitive skin issues. They are trying to find gentle products that can help them with their skin and they are so happy to have found our soft washcloths.
I thought it was important to talk about how to be supportive of someone you care about who is struggling with their skin whether it's a family member or friend, or someone you care about, so they feel loved, supported and less alone.
My Rosacea Support System
I talk openly about my Rosacea now, but it wasn't always easy to talk about my skin when I was younger. When I had breakouts, I'd rather hide than talk about it.
Back before I was diagnosed with Rosacea and my skin was going crazy, and was itchy, hot and breaking out, I didn't want anyone to notice, let alone bring attention to it by talking about it.
I have a supportive husband and family that knows I have Rosacea and that I need my special skin care products and special soft washcloths, and sunscreen and extra time to take care of my skin because it matters to me. And they are very supportive.
They are the first ones to swap chairs with me so I'm out of the sun or switch places so I can sit next to the air conditioning.
They may not know what it's like to have Rosacea, but they've always been very supportive of my skin needs that are different than their own and they respect my routines and special needs that I have for my skin and I really appreciate that.
I've also been given gentle feedback, good advice and even compliments from different dermatologists that have helped me stay positive and feel good about my own skin, despite my challenges.
I hope this episode will give you some ideas on how you might support someone you care about with their skin challenges, if you're not quite sure what to say.
What can you say to someone you care about who is struggling with their skin?
I think what we need to address first, is to differentiate between Solicited and Unsolicited advice.
Some quick definitions-
Solicited Advice
When someone asks for advice. They are inviting it.
Unsolicited Advice
When advice is offered to someone who has not asked for it. It was not invited.
Let's look at:
How to talk to someone about their skin so you can help and be supportive
>First, through the lens of Solicited Advice
How to help someone who comes to you asking for help with their skin
This might look something like a friend or family member has confided in you about something that happened that was embarrassing related to their skin - maybe someone made fun of them or said something hurtful or maybe they are embarrassed about having issues with their skin and want to talk to you because they don't know what to do.
When someone comes to you with something personal like this, the most important thing you can do:
1st: LISTEN
Listening is a critical part of being supportive, that is often skimmed over, because people are too eager to fix the problem and make it better.
You want to help, want to offer advice, you want them to feel better, you want to jump in to fix it.
It comes from a place of love, but often, someone who is struggling wants and needs to be heard and made to feel that they are not alone, that their feelings and what they are experiencing are very normal and valid and that they can trust you to share their feelings and struggles without judgement.
You can learn a lot about what someone is going through and how best to help, by listening.
It can be incredibly difficult, humiliating and embarrassing to talk about your own personal skin issues and experiences with someone else.
Anything having to do with a person's appearance, something they can't do anything about, can make them feel very vulnerable and exposed. The fact that they're talking to you about it at all takes a lot of courage.
They are basically stripping themselves down to all their flaws (that they've worked very hard to hide), and shining a spotlight on them and saying, "look right at the worst, most humiliating things about me", and hoped they'll still be loved and accepted.
It takes incredible courage to be that vulnerable.
Your gift to them, to show you care, is by really listening with compassion and love.
2nd: ASK
After listening, the best way to respond, is to offer compassion and ask, "How can I help?"
You have to put your agendas aside and hold back from spurting out all the research you've done on different skin conditions, what this doctor recommended, what these people said, what this Instagrammer swears by, and ask them what they need from you.
You could ask, "How can I best support you?"
They may be able to tell you what they need.
But they also may not know what they need, and this is the entry way for you to then offer the suggestions you have, in a loving way.
Keep in mind, this isn't the time for a firehose of information or to claim expertise in areas that you really don't know that much about.
I would suggest starting small, do it with love, and see how its received. Especially if this is the first time they've talked to you about something so personal.
They really are looking for love, validation, encouragement and acceptance first; and fixing it comes second.
Also keep in mind, they will also need time to process what you've both talked about and think about any options you have proposed, so be prepared to give them that time as well.
And be prepared maybe for some different reactions than maybe you had anticipated.
Which leads us to the next point,
3rd: SUPPORT
Be a supportive and helpful resource
One of the best things I did when I was struggling with my skin and didn't know what to do (and didn't yet know it was Rosacea), was to go see a dermatologist.
I hadn't gone to a dermatologist before, and at the time I was around 34 years old. I have to admit, I felt really nervous and uncomfortable.
Having someone look that closely at my face, with all it's flaws, under bright lights and magnifying glasses was really embarrassing and awkward.
HOWEVER, as soon as the doctor started talking, it all somehow became normal.
A Good Dermatologist Can Help
These doctors, Dermatologists (and I'll add estheticians) are all about skin.
They love skin.
They are fascinated by skin.
They've studied years and years all about skin.
They've dedicated their professional lives to helping people every day with all sorts of interesting skin issues and finding solutions for them.
It helped me realize that skin issues are normal and dermatologists or estheticians don't see something as "gross" or "weird". They see it as interesting, possibly challenging, and want to find solutions to help you.
They see past the flaws and see you as a beautiful person with beautiful skin that might just need some help.
That's what a good dermatologist is. And they want to find solutions that can help you.
The times that I have gone to see Dermatologists, which now, is every year, they know it's a very vulnerable position to be in. My experience has been that they want people to feel empowered with information and solutions and they want their patients to feel that their struggles are normal, and that they aren't alone.
If you are trying to help someone close to you, you could help them do the research to find a really great dermatologist.
You could reach out to friends and family to see if they know of someone they could see.
You want this to be a positive experience.
Other ways to support someone with skin challenges:
If you're the parent, or even friend or family member, you could go with them, or just be someone they could call afterwards to share how things went. Support can come in many different ways.
You can also find products that might be helpful for them, like our customers who come to us for our soft washcloths for those with painful acne or sensitive skin issues. So you could do that as well.
There are also a lot of supportive resources you could suggest, like online support groups for people with acne, sensitive skin, rosacea, eczema and psoriasis. It can help people feel less alone when they realize there are others out there who truly "get it", who get what they are going through.
Ok, now lets look at this question through the other view point:
How should you talk to someone about their skin when they haven't asked you for it?
aka, Unsolicited advice
What if you notice one of your close friends or family members is struggling with a skin problem, but they haven't talked to you about it?
I probably don't need to tell you this, but this can be a VERY sensitive subject and should be treated with care.
Back when I was struggling with my Rosacea, before I knew it was Rosacea, if anyone had commented on my skin I would have been mortified.
I was already very self conscious about it. I felt like my face was all kinds of red and even deep purple when it got really hot. (I talk about what it's like living with Rosacea back in episode 3 - so you can listen to that if you'd like).
The last thing I needed was for someone to bring up the obvious, the one thing I was most self conscious about.
So the simple answer to the question,
How do you talk to someone about their skin when they haven't asked you for their help?
In full disclosure, I re-recorded this next part of the episode because what I had written at first, wasn't sitting right with me.
Originally, I had said, in addition to the plain and simple answer that it's not your place to offer unsolicited advice about someone else's skin, I offered a disclaimer, that there are always going to be situations where it might be appropriate, like with your child, other family member, or close friend.
HOWEVER, after recording that, I kept reading occurrences of people who said although their friend, co-worker or family member were well-meaning, (or some were NOT well-meaning and were just outright rude) their unsolicited advice about their skin made them feel awful and in many cases, those negative, uncomfortable conversations stayed with them for years.
There is a space between offering well-meaning advice and how it is received. And you can't control what happens in that space, how someone is receiving what you've offered. That's not up to you.
Do you think there is a time or place where offering unsolicited advice about someone else's skin is appropriate?
Keep these next ideas in mind before you say anything.
I have Received Unsolicited Comments about My Skin
I'm probably not the only one who has ever been given unhelpful, critical, or unsolicited advice about their appearance.
- It can be hurtful, embarrassing and unwanted.
- It can be intentional or unintentional.
- It can be easy to shrug off or very hard to forget.
I have been told so many times I've lost count, "Oh my gosh your face is getting so red!" Whether that's because I'm embarrassed about something, or I've gotten flushed because I've gotten too hot in a room, or after exercising.
Someone is stating the obvious to me. I know that my face gets red, my skin gets red and there's nothing I can do about it and it only makes me feel more self-conscious.
When I was working at an elementary school many years ago, one of the kids asked me (because they're going to be frank and "completely honest" with you, without any filter)...but he asked me why my nose looked red that day?
I didn't know it did. I realized I guess I hadn't put on enough foundation that morning so the red in my skin was more obvious. I felt self conscious in the moment, but then thought, well, there's nothing I can do about it now.
But that comment stayed with me. I haven't forgotten it and think of it every day I put on foundation to make sure I put enough on my nose.
I know, seems silly, but that kind of comment just stays with you.
I remember my sister telling me about one of her college roommates, who often received unsolicited advice about her smile.
One of the teeth in the front of her mouth was a little higher, or her gums were a little higher on one side and people would ask her, "Did you know your tooth is higher on that side?" Like they were the first person to ever bring that to her attention...and why were they bringing that to her attention, and sadly, all it did was make her very self-conscious of her smile.
When it's not something you can control and it's called to attention, it only makes it worse and only makes you feel bad.
Unsolicited Advice about Skin Problems May do More Harm than Good
I recently read an article, entitled, "I Wanted to Disappear" - Why Unwanted Skincare Advice Does More Harm Than Good", on Refinery29.
They wrote about someone who was struggling with acne who had gone to a family gathering. In front of everyone, her grandma made a big scene about her wearing too much makeup and said that was probably why her skin was so bad. This poor girl was left completely humiliated. It made me feel so bad for her.
Having skin problems can be very hard on self esteem.
People can withdraw, become isolated, depressed, self conscious and anxious by themselves around other people because they are embarrassed by their appearance.
In this state of hyper-focus on their skin, no one wants their flaws to be brought to anyone's attention. It can only make matters worse and feelings of inadequacy are heightened.
I know that's how I felt when I first was diagnosed with Rosacea. And even now if I'm facing a breakout or not my best skin day. The last thing I want is for someone to point out the obvious, the very thing I'm desperate to cover up and hope no one notices.
In a forum on Acne.org, someone posed this unusual question, "What's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to you about your acne?"
- someone replied, "...the nicest thing anyone could say about my acne would be not saying anything at all."
- Someone else said, "...actions are more important than words. So to have a loved one stick by you and support you is more than any words can mean."
In another article it said that teens and young adults can often feel worse when people with, "clear skin", try to give them acne advice and prefer for people not to even bring it up in the first place.
So as you can see, giving unsolicited advice about someone else's skin can do more harm than good, and knowing this, can help guide you into knowing what to say, or in most cases, what not to say.
If someone feels they can trust you, when given the right circumstances, maybe they'll come to you.
And remember,
When talking with someone you care about, who has come to you about their skin problems, it's always important to:
1st LISTEN
so you can create trust, and offer validation and normalcy around how they are feeling and what they are concerned about. This is their time to talk, it's the time to discover what is needed, before any advice is given.
2nd ASK
how you can help (almost as important as listening). Your idea of what might help may be different than what is needed. Take time to ask how you can support them so it can be clearly communicated and you both come to a place of sharing and mutual understanding.
3rd SUPPORT
by seeking out helpful resources
Now's the time to put your super sleuth talents into play(!) and share a few reputable sources you've found, and see how they respond.
Always share helpful tips and information in a timely, sensitive and compassionate way.
Remember, talking about skin challenges is a sensitive subject and sometimes people can be a little more slow to respond or need more time to be open to certain things.
And the final though to remember, is sometimes
THE BEST SUPPORT YOU CAN OFFER SOMEONE is just being a good friend,
whether they are comfortable sharing and opening up about their skin challenges or not.
Unsolicited advice often is best left unsaid.
Well, that's all for today. I know this can be a controversial subject and I'd really like to know your thoughts on this.
- Have you found positive ways to support people you care about who struggle with different skin challenges?
- Or have you personally gone through this on the other side, where you're the one receiving the support?
I'd love to hear your experiences and thoughts.
Our Supportive Fairface Community!
Even if my friends and family don't really know a lot about Rosacea, I have always felt supported by them, as well as my wonderful customers and this beautiful Fairface community!
We support and share with each other and it warms my heart when people reach out to me to find products for themselves, or someone they care about who is struggling with their skin.
Whether it's our soft washcloths
- for a customer's 89 year old mother's delicate skin,
- or another customer's daughter going off to college with painful acne and sensitive skin problems,
- or a friend buying washcloths as gifts for her friends with Rosacea and sensitive skin,
- or another customer purchasing the soft washcloths for her brother who was going through cancer treatments,
- or as gifts for new babies and new moms!
There is a lot of love in our community and I'm so grateful for that and for each of you!
I want you to know I'm here to support you too!
I'm happy to answer any questions you might have.
I really am an open book about my Rosacea, my sensitive skin and about the products I use. I'm happy to share what I can to help!
---Someone reached out to me a few months ago about her ocular rosacea on Instagram and I messaged her back with all the tips that have worked for me. And it helped her so I was so happy about that.
(*you can also listen to our episode about Ocular Rosacea Tips)
So bring me your questions! I'm truly happy to help and I will always respond.
UPCOMING EPISODE - Send me your questions!
And speaking of questions, in an upcoming episode, I'm really looking forward to talking with a special guest, Patti Robinson, a licensed esthetician from Sapphire Skin Care and Healing, in Portland, Oregon. We're going to talk about pre-teen and teen skin care.
I think this is such an important topic so kids and their parents know how best to care for their skin. I'm really looking forward to that, so stay tuned, it will probably be coming up in April.
In preparation for that, if you have any questions about pre-teen or teen skin care, please let me know and I'll try to get your questions answered in the episode.
- You can send me a message on Instagram and Facebook @FairfaceWashcloths
- or send me an email through our website, FairfaceWashcloths.com/ContactUs.
- And also through the message system on Etsy - you can also contact me through there, at our Fairface Washcloths Etsy Shop.
Connecting with you and getting your emails, orders and thoughts are the best parts of my day!
Thanks again so much for being here and I'll see you next time!
xo Shannon
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